Are YOU a pyromaniac? 'Pyromaniac n. a person with uncontrollable desire to set fire to things' Not to be confused with 'Pyrotechh'nist n. one who designs firework displays' or 'Python n. a big snake' Never Confuse anything with a python By quickly answering these simple questions you too can tell if you have pyrotechnical tendencies. Simply mark your answers in the box (1 per question...), click on the button at the bottom to find out what you are. You and your Background 1. Did your school: Encourage academical success above all else, and have a large proportion of students become lawyers and doctors Encourage you to do what you wanted to do Yes, I used to go to School until my dreadful accident with the petrol canister, gas oven and half thawed pork chop 2. Games you played when you were young: Not Doctors and Nurses but more Accountants and bank balances Football, and the occasional fight Superheroes - you were always 'fireboy' or the evil 'Zapperman' wanting to burn New York to the ground 3. Where do you live Your own country house with grounds and a well stocked river You own or rent your own House / Flat / Apartment in town In a house in the country surrounded by miles of burnt wasteland with no flammable substance for miles - you know because you've looked 4. Would your ideal job be Ambulance driver / Doctor / Nurse etc.. Policeman / Lawyer / Barman Fireman with a big red fire engine and flashing lights and a bell Your Campfires 5. Lighting a fire, you use Matches, paper and perhaps a fire lighter, and a carefully prepared fire 1 match because it looks like you know what your doing, and lighting the fire as impressively as possible and if this needs the use of paraffin then you will A delayed timing device and the safety of a building to hide behind 6. When you light a campfire do you do it Up close and personal with your arms in the centre of the fire to light the dry kindling there You try to rig a device to (safely) light the fire with a burning arrow or a small electronic device to remotely light the fire - remember a campfire is a show. From the safety of the next county 7. The size of the fire should be Large enough to get the right effect of a campfire Large enough to provide heat and light for the audience Large enough to be seen from space 8. The reason you have a camp fire is It is a traditional evenings entertainment at camp, but to be honest you would be just as happy inside with a mug of cocoa and a light bulb to represent a fire It is a traditional evenings entertainment at camp, but you do like a fire and it is a good place to show of your skills as an entertainer, or sit for the evening with friends It is a traditional evenings entertainment at camp, and no camp would be complete without a visit from a fireman with his big red fire engine and flashing lights and a bell 9. After a campfire you Serve supper and send the younger campers to bed Cook supper over the dying embers while looking at the stars coming out Apologise to the fireman for making such a big fire, and work out how to pay for the damage to the forest you have just burnt down 10. The best campfire you ever attended was When you were 10 and you have never been to such a good one since The last campfire you attended - any fire where I am is normally good. Anywhere where there is a fire is normally good The last campfire I attended. It was the biggest fire ever and I haven't been to a campfire since because the police are making 'Further Enquiries' Popular Culture 11. Your Favourite record is Take That - Relight my Fire U2 - The Unforgettable Fire Prodigy - Firestarter 12. Reality TV. Do you hope 'Big Brother' contestants Big Brother? The character from 1984 is on the telly now? That's fascinating Get on like a house on fire Are like John Tickle who now presents a TV programme where he explodes things every week 13. Harry Potter. Your Favourite Character is: Hairy Potter - Boring Hero Hermione - Fiery Heroine type Ron - Flame Haired pal of Harry 14. Your favourite film is: Water World Blazing Saddles Towering Inferno Motoring 15. Caravans are made of wood and can be burnt as a moving campfire - great fun. However this makes the roads an even bigger hazard and in a moment of safety and reflection, I think that caravans should be banned from driving on roads, and exploded if they do, but on what dates? Caravans are good. They keep like minded people fenced in fields and stop them bothering the rest of us, so leave them alone (Only a few points for this answer though, because you don't want to explode them) Bank holiday weekends, and 2 days either side Any day 16. Road tankers are good because They take fuel to distant petrol stations allowing caravaners to travel further They take fuel to distant petrol stations allowing me to travel further than caravaners They contain petrol.... 17. Have you ever: Volunteered to help the Police with their enquiries Been asked to help the Police with their enquiries Been asked by the Police to stop helping with their enquiries This has nothing to do with Pyromania, but I thought I would ask Yes / No Questions: Have you ever.... Set fire to anyone Yes No Set fire to yourself Yes No Been banned from entering a forest Yes No Been banned from buying matches Yes No Smelt burning flesh Yes No Been hospitalised Yes No