function quote(differs,multiply){
var differs=differs*1
var multiply=multiply*1
var today = new Date();
var output='';
var number=''
var number = Math.floor(((today.getMonth()) * 31) + (today.getDate() * 3) + Math.random()*3);

if (number<0){number=0}
output += 'Daily Quote:- ' + quote1(number)
document.write(output)
}

function standingquote(number){
var number=number*1
var output='';
output += 'Quote:- ' + quote1(number)
document.write(output)
}


function quote1(number){
var number=number*1
var thingy='';

if (number<0){number=0}

var arqu = new Array
arqu[0]="It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others"
arqu[1]="Questions and Answers in a court: Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Between milepost 498 and 500. "
arqu[2]="All men are cremated equal"
arqu[3]="Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
arqu[4]="Written on a Motor Insurance Claim: I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
arqu[5]="Rome wasn't built in a day, it just looks like that."
arqu[6]="Can you be a closet claustrophobic?"
arqu[7]="Without Venetian blinds it would be curtains for all of us"
arqu[8]="A dwarf standing on the shoulders of a giant may see farther than the giant himself."
arqu[9]="Give them what they need, not what they think they want "
arqu[10]="Autopsy is a dying practice."
arqu[11]="If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert. "
arqu[12]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye"
arqu[13]="A signature always reveals a man's character, and sometimes even his name."
arqu[14]="From School Exam Papers: John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present."
arqu[15]="1/2 The population have below average intelligence."
arqu[16]="Cancer cures smoking."
arqu[17]="Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple, learn how to look after them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
arqu[18]="Hail to the Sun God! He is the Fun God! Ra! Ra! Ra!"
arqu[19]="Put Down: A prime candidate for natural deselect ion.."
arqu[20]="Family Fortunes Answers: A part of the body you have more than two of: Arms.."
arqu[21]="Atheism is a non-prophet organisation."
arqu[22]="Almost Conscious"
arqu[23]="It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs. "
arqu[24]="A good pun is its own reword."
arqu[25]="How do you make anti-freeze? - Take away her blanket"
arqu[26]="From School Exam Papers: A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals."
arqu[27]="I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers. "
arqu[28]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  If You Really Loved Me You Would Have Married Somebody Else"
arqu[29]="Don't worry about life, you're not going to survive it."
arqu[30]="If someone remembers to come to your birthday party, they will almost certainly eat your present on the way, or break it"
arqu[31]="Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines"
arqu[32]="There are more ways of killing a cat than buttering it with parsnips."
arqu[33]="There are three kinds of people -- those who can count, and those who can't."
arqu[34]="Written on a Motor Insurance Claim: The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
arqu[35]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better"
arqu[36]="I once acted the part of a scarecrow - I was outstanding in my field"
arqu[37]="The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. "
arqu[38]="I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!"
arqu[39]="I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure. "
arqu[40]="Questions and Answers in a court: Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. A: 38 or 25, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: 45 years."
arqu[41]="You aren't being paranoid, they really are after you "
arqu[42]="Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes"
arqu[43]="Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of."
arqu[44]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him"
arqu[45]="Strange that psychics have to ask you for your name "
arqu[46]="Family Fortunes Answers: An animal used as a form of transport: A turtle.."
arqu[47]="You can't fall off the floor "
arqu[48]="Written on a Motor Insurance Claim: The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
arqu[49]="The way to a man's heart is through his back."
arqu[50]="Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
arqu[51]="Breaking the law of gravity isn't painful it's getting caught that hurts."
arqu[52]="There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works."
arqu[53]="333, Half brother of the Beast, 0.666 - Number of the Millibeast."
arqu[54]="There is a fine line between falling and flying."
arqu[55]="Despite the cost of living, have you noticed have popular it remains?"
arqu[56]="Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on "
arqu[57]="There's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
arqu[58]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  I'm Gonna Build Me a Bar in the Back of My Car and Drive Myself to Drink"
arqu[59]="If all the people who fall asleep in church were laid end to end they would be much more comfortable"
arqu[60]="Ski slopes are going downhill"
arqu[61]="Letters to the Council: I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction. "
arqu[62]="Eunuch required, apply without."
arqu[63]="Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves "
arqu[64]="I didn't do it, and nobody saw me"
arqu[65]="Does the noise in my head bother you?"
arqu[66]="Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
arqu[67]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  For Better or Worse, But not for Long"
arqu[68]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft"
arqu[69]="What's Mary short for? - She's got short legs"
arqu[70]="Newspaper Headline: Kids Make Nutritious Snacks "
arqu[71]="A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."
arqu[72]="Family Fortunes Answers: A reason someone digs a hole in the road: Grave digger.."
arqu[73]="24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? You decide."
arqu[74]="Written on a Motor Insurance Claim: Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
arqu[75]="From School Exam Papers: Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel."
arqu[76]="Letters to the Council: I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."
arqu[77]="Written documentation is an admission of failure "
arqu[78]="Managers are people who never put off until tomorrow what they can get somebody else to do today."
arqu[79]="Don't squat with your spurs on."
arqu[80]="The hare is faster than the tortoise, but the tortoise is uglier"
arqu[81]="Family Fortunes Answers: Something that makes you scream: A squirrel.."
arqu[82]="How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?"
arqu[83]="Reason to ask for transport to a clinic: If my mum goes out alone she gets into trouble."
arqu[84]="Newspaper Headline: Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge "
arqu[85]="Questions and Answers on a court: Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?"
arqu[86]="Sibling rivalry is for kids..."
arqu[87]="You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it "
arqu[88]="It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."
arqu[89]="The amount of sleep needed by the average person is ten minutes more."
arqu[90]="Have you heard the joke about the bed? - No? - It hasn't been made yet"
arqu[91]="Written on a Motor Insurance Claim: I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
arqu[92]="Family Fortunes Answers: A jacket potato topping: Jam.."
arqu[93]="The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket."
arqu[94]="I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember"
arqu[95]="Exit signs are on the way out"
arqu[96]="Always look both ways before you cross the street "
arqu[97]="Don't worry about the world ending today, it's already tomorrow in Australia"
arqu[98]="No one is listening until you make a mistake."
arqu[99]="Questions and Answers on a court: Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?"
arqu[100]="Family Fortunes Answers: Something you open other than a door: Your bowels.."
arqu[101]="Beaten paths are for beaten men "
arqu[102]="Written on a Motor Insurance Claim: On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
arqu[103]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"
arqu[104]="I used to get high on life, but I've built up a tolerance."
arqu[105]="A crisis is just the end of an illusion "
arqu[106]="Newspaper Headline: New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group "
arqu[107]="Why is a room full of married people empty? - Because there isn't a single person in it"
arqu[108]="Reason to ask for transport to a clinic: I am unable to walk now as my dog has died."
arqu[109]="From School Exam Papers: Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed."
arqu[110]="Ahh... humble pie - cut me a slice! "
arqu[111]="Newspaper Headline: Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half "
arqu[112]="As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."
arqu[113]="Questions and Answers on a court: Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
arqu[114]="Always try to make other people happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it"
arqu[115]="Newspaper Headline: Teacher Strikes Idle Kids "
arqu[116]="Veni, Vidi, Visa. I came. I Saw. I did a little shopping."
arqu[117]="We're in for a bad spel of wether"
arqu[118]="Elvis has left the building "
arqu[119]="Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! "
arqu[120]="It was working ten minutes ago, I swear... "
arqu[121]="Written on a Motor Insurance Claim: Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?"
arqu[122]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life"
arqu[123]="For millions of years, mankind lived just like the animals... and something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination - we learned to talk - S. Hawkins "
arqu[124]="If you want someone to catch something, throw it at their nose."
arqu[125]="Newspaper Headline: Miners Refuse To Work After Death "
arqu[126]="Don't take life too seriously it's not permanent."
arqu[127]="Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. But, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and hit him"
arqu[128]="What is the clumsiest bee? - A Bumbling Bee"
arqu[129]="3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population. "
arqu[130]="Earth's level of intelligence is a constant; the population is growing "
arqu[131]="You can have anything you want as long as you're willing to pay for it "
arqu[132]="Newspaper Headline: Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told "
arqu[133]="Family Fortunes Answers: An occupation where you need a torch: A burglar.."
arqu[134]="A watched clock never boils."
arqu[135]="Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? "
arqu[136]="Written on a Motor Insurance Claim: The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
arqu[137]="A closed mouth gathers no foot."
arqu[138]="From School Exam Papers: Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums."
arqu[139]="Beware of geeks bearing gifts."
arqu[140]="Letters to the Council: The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"
arqu[141]="Questions and Answers in a court: Q: What is your date of birth? July 15th.Q: What Year? Every Year"
arqu[142]="Smash forehead on keyboard to continue."
arqu[143]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  I'm Old Enough to Know Better But Still Too Young to Care"
arqu[144]="If you push something hard enough, it will fall over"
arqu[145]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  My Sweet Tooth Tells Me Yes, But My Wisdom Tooth Says No"
arqu[146]="BSE found in Alphabet Spaghetti"
arqu[147]="When you speak, your speech should be better than your silence would have been."
arqu[148]="Newspaper Headline: Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers "
arqu[149]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  In the Good Old Days when Times were Bad"
arqu[150]="I'm having a deja vu experience, just like last time."
arqu[151]="A neat desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
arqu[152]="There's no future in time travel."
arqu[153]="Newspaper Headline: Iraqi Head Seeks Arms "
arqu[154]="Letters to the Council: I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
arqu[155]="let's head for that planet, third from the sun, it looks promising "
arqu[156]="I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you."
arqu[157]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  It's Only The Hair On A Gooseberry (That Stops It From Being A Grape)"
arqu[158]="A balanced man - he has a chip on each shoulder"
arqu[159]="From School Exam Papers: The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose."
arqu[160]="I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence. Doug MacLeod"
arqu[161]="In the beginning, there was nothing. And then it exploded... "
arqu[162]="Written on a Motor Insurance Claim: In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
arqu[163]="Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain "
arqu[164]="If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done."
arqu[165]="Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
arqu[166]="From School Exam Papers: A tuba is much larger than its name."
arqu[167]="If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?"
arqu[168]="A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. Spike Milligan."
arqu[169]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart."
arqu[170]="A chicken is an egg's way of making another egg"
arqu[171]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly"
arqu[172]="Never underestimate the greed of the American public "
arqu[173]="Caution: do not look into laser with remaining eye."
arqu[174]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  You Stole My Wife, You Horse Thief"
arqu[175]="Newspaper Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
arqu[176]="Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
arqu[177]="Reason to ask for transport to a clinic: I can't breathe and haven't done so for years."
arqu[178]="Newspaper Headline: Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say "
arqu[179]="Put Down: He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.."
arqu[180]="Abandon all hope, ye who <a href=k_pyro.htm>PRESS ENTER</a> here."
arqu[181]="It doesn't matter what temperature a room is - it's always room temperature."
arqu[182]="It's been lovely, but I have to scream now."
arqu[183]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  Never Hit Your Grandma with a Shovel (Spike Jones)"
arqu[184]="Boomerangs are coming back"
arqu[185]="On the other hand, I have some fingers. "
arqu[186]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  Forget the Night, Help Me Make It Through the Door"
arqu[187]="Family Fortunes Answers: Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: His name.."
arqu[188]="Letters to the Council: Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. "
arqu[189]="From School Exam Papers: When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody."
arqu[190]="Any time wasted is time well spent. "
arqu[191]="How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand"
arqu[192]="Family Fortunes Answers: The last thing you take off before going to bed: Your feet.."
arqu[193]="Reason to ask for transport to a clinic: My husband's dead and won't bring me."
arqu[194]="Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
arqu[195]="From School Exam Papers: A harp is a nude piano."
arqu[196]="Reason to ask for transport to a clinic: I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet and knees."
arqu[197]="A day for firm decisions! Or is it? "
arqu[198]="Put Down: He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.."
arqu[199]="Written on a Motor Insurance Claim: The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
arqu[200]="Written on a Motor Insurance Claim: I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
arqu[201]="Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? "
arqu[202]="Questions and Answers on a court: Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30pm Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
arqu[203]="Never test the depth of the water with both feet."
arqu[204]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield of Life."
arqu[205]="I'm feeling argumentative. Please contradict me."
arqu[206]="Put Down: I would not allow this employee to breed.."
arqu[207]="Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. -Doug Larson"
arqu[208]="Letters to the Council: The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. "
arqu[209]="A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
arqu[210]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the Goal posts of Life."
arqu[211]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)"
arqu[212]="Questions and Answers on a court: Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
arqu[213]="Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film."
arqu[214]="Ask me about my vow of silence."
arqu[215]="All my life I wanted to be someone. I guess I should have been more specific."
arqu[216]="A guy went to a psychiatrist. Doc, he said, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me? - The doctor replied, It's very simple. You're two tents."
arqu[217]="Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. "
arqu[218]="Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like bananas"
arqu[219]="The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
arqu[220]="Put Down: The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.."
arqu[221]="I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent."
arqu[222]="Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth."
arqu[223]="Letters to the Council: I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. "
arqu[224]="Written on a Motor Insurance Claim: I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
arqu[225]="Letters to the Council: Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife. "
arqu[226]="Life is like a very short visit to a toyshop between birth and death. (Desmond Morris, 1991.)"
arqu[227]="YOU! OUT OF THE GENE POOL NOW!"
arqu[228]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now"
arqu[229]="Odd Song title or lyrics (it is  from a song):  Your Wife's Been Cheatin' On Us Again"
arqu[230]="Family Fortunes Answers: A domestic animal: A leopard.."
arqu[231]="It's not that I don't understand, I just don't care "
arqu[232]="From School Exam Papers: I can't reach the brakes on this piano!"
arqu[233]="Written on a Motor Insurance Claim: The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
arqu[234]="I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours "
arqu[235]="What do you call bears with no ears? - B."
arqu[236]="Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant."
arqu[237]="Heard on an airplane: And from the pilot during his welcome message: 'We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!'"
arqu[238]="order a pizza saying - Just surprise me, bring anything"
arqu[239]="First day of School: Wear a hood with only one eye hole, just for fun"
arqu[240]="In an electrical shop, tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10."
arqu[241]="In a clothes shop, hide in the racks and say 'Pick me, pick me' as people walk past"
arqu[242]="A friend indeed...Is a friend who will open the door to you in the middle of the night."
arqu[243]="Avoid unexpected visitors dropping in by placing the door knocker just out of reach"
arqu[244]="DO NOT impede a bear from crossing the road "
arqu[245]="My voices told me I shouldn't turn up today "
arqu[246]="Never hit a man with Glasses, use a baseball bat instead"
arqu[247]="When ringing up the pizza company, ask to rent the pizza"
arqu[248]="When in a clothes shop, redress all the mannequins"
arqu[249]="You Can't have everything, Where would you put it?"
arqu[250]="Avoid embarrassing your childs peers by banning them from coming over to your place"
arqu[251]="I need 10 hours sleep a day. And 8 hours at night"
arqu[252]="String, is a very important thing. Rope is thicker but string is quicker"
arqu[253]="In films, at least one of a pair of Identical twins is evil"
arqu[254]="I don't flirt with everybody, mind you, I haven't met everybody yet"
arqu[255]="I've now used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead instead"
arqu[256]="I was watching breakfast television and lost the will to live"
arqu[257]="It's all or nothing, and nothings all I ever get"
arqu[258]="Life is a lemon and I want my money back"
arqu[259]="I thought I wanted the job, but it turns out I just wanted the money"
arqu[260]="Mary had a little cow, she fed it safety pins, now when ever she milks the cow, the milk come out in tins"
arqu[261]="Gargle every day to see if your throat leaks"
arqu[262]="No matter how bad things seam to be, it can't be worse than being used as a towel rail"
arqu[263]="A stopped clock is right twice per day"
arqu[264]="How to sculpt an elephant: Get a lump of rock and chip away anything that doesn't look like an elephant "
arqu[265]="Save the whales, collect the whole set"
arqu[266]="A new moon on a Wednesday is very unlucky"
arqu[267]="It is traditional the Barbeques are accompanied by rain"
arqu[268]="Whether the weather be hot, or whether the weather be not. We'll weather the weather, whatever the weather, whether we like it or not"
arqu[269]="If a joke is required, make it a bad one"
arqu[270]="What lies in a pram and wobbles? A Jelly Baby"
arqu[271]="Plumbers work in the garden mending the leaks "
arqu[272]="A man walked into a bar. It was an iron bar and he hurt himself"
arqu[273]="Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours."
arqu[274]="I'm gonna live forever, or die trying."
arqu[275]="Why is abbreviation such a long word, and dyslexic so hard to spell?"
arqu[276]="For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord."
arqu[277]="The beatings will continue until morale improves."
arqu[278]="I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode."
arqu[279]="Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
arqu[280]="I don't have a solution but I admire the problem."
arqu[281]="Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out."
arqu[282]="If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!"
arqu[283]="If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?"
arqu[284]="Don't look back, they might be gaining on you."
arqu[285]="It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere."
arqu[286]="Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply."
arqu[287]="Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark."
arqu[288]="Do witches run spell checkers?"
arqu[289]="Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?"
arqu[290]="Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer."
arqu[291]="There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
arqu[292]="In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
arqu[293]="Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit. "
arqu[294]="They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?."
arqu[295]="When you pee in a toilet, you wipe the seat; when you pee in the woods, you wipe your feet!."
arqu[296]="You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try. - Homer J. Simpson."
arqu[297]="I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down."
arqu[298]="I'll kill you until you die!!"
arqu[299]="I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to!"
arqu[300]="Thank-you for visiting reality, come again........... "
arqu[301]="OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO"
arqu[302]="Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans"
arqu[303]="Most good judgement comes from experience."
arqu[304]="Most experience comes from bad judgement."
arqu[305]="You can't cheat an honest man"
arqu[306]="Does the noise in my head bother you?"
arqu[307]="An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less."
arqu[308]="Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
arqu[309]="When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going?"
arqu[310]="In any sufficiently large group of people, most are idiots."
arqu[311]="It happens. Sometimes people just explode. Natural causes."
arqu[312]="We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
arqu[313]="I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
arqu[314]="Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?"
arqu[315]="I am nobody... nobody is perfect... I must be perfect then.."
arqu[316]="If you want breakfast in bed.........sleep in the kitchen"
arqu[317]="I hear voices, and they don't like you"
arqu[318]="I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me there."
arqu[319]="It's not attention deficit disorder, I'm not just not listening to you."
arqu[320]="Duct tape is like the force, it has a light and dark side, and it binds the universe together"
arqu[321]="Giant oaks DO grow from little acorns. But first you must have an acorn."
arqu[322]="Silence is Golden, but shouting is fun."
arqu[323]="When your a fat little kid, there are no more see-saws...only catapults"
arqu[324]="I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."
arqu[325]="Read in a mountain Bothy visitor book: Weather - Non stop foul with bouts of horrendous"
arqu[326]="Read in a mountain Bothy visitor book: I had a character building walk to get here"
arqu[327]="Read in a mountain Bothy visitor book: When the wife gets here I will get GBH of the ear"
arqu[328]="Read in a mountain Bothy visitor book: Gusts of wind are having a betting contest of who will throw the lone walker over and leave her struggling like a turtle on her back pack"
arqu[329]="Mad as a brick."
arqu[330]="He was as sane as a tortoise"
arqu[331]="Its just a jump to the left... And then a step to the right"
arqu[332]="I have a cunning plan"
arqu[333]="Your services are as useful as a barbers shop on the steps of a guillotine"
arqu[334]="As cunning as a fax"
arqu[335]="The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but mr brain has long since departed"
arqu[336]="All Scouters are, basically, Mad"
arqu[337]="We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing."
arqu[338]="A falling Pooh will land on a gorse bush..... But a falling Tigger will land on an Eeyore "
arqu[339]="The hare is quicker than the tortoise, but the tortoise IS uglier"
arqu[340]="Quote from a 90 year old on Ben Nevis 'Well, I’ve climbed this hill more than 100 times, and now sometimes I make it, and sometimes I don’t, but that’s how life is'. Wonder if he was talking gibberish or was a clever old man"
arqu[341]="When a child walks like John Wayne, consider that they arn’t playing Cowboys, but they needed to get to the toilet faster than they could run...."
arqu[342]="A falling Pooh will land on a gorse bush...<br>...But a falling Tigger will land on an Eeyore"
arqu[343]="Pooh Bears are not strorny good flyers....<br>....Except when they have a balloon "
arqu[344]="When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting"
arqu[345]="A friend indeed...<br>...Is a friend who will open the door to you in the middle of the night"
arqu[346]="13 is Unlucky for some"
arqu[347]="Avoid unexpected visitors 'dropping in' by placing the door knocker just out of reach"
arqu[348]="a coin put in a babies pram will bring good luck and wealth"
arqu[349]="I’m going to bounce...<br>...Cos bouncing what tiggers do best"
arqu[350]="DO NOT impede a bear from crossing the road (Worst case scenario survival handbook)"
arqu[351]="The hare is quicker than the tortoise, but the tortoise IS uglier"
arqu[352]="Allow Children to learn by making their own mistakes. Laughing at their stupidity also helps"
arqu[353]="Never hit a man with Glasses, use a baseball bat instead"
arqu[354]="Before you critisise someone, walk a mile in their shoes.<br>That way, you'll be a mile away and wearing their shoes too"
arqu[355]="Half the people in the world are below average"
arqu[356]="Sometimes the more you think, the more you realise there is no real answer"
arqu[357]="My voices told me I shouldn't turn up today"
arqu[358]="To avoid Heat Prostration, avoid talking and smoking"
arqu[359]=":-D 2day, 2moro :-( "
arqu[360]=": '-("
arqu[361]="The greatest reward for a persons toil is not what they gain from it, but what they become by it"
arqu[362]="Stress is caused by the mind overriding the bodies basic desire to choke the living daylights out of someone that deserves it. Scout leaders are often stressed at their Scout meetings. Why?"
arqu[363]="We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing."
arqu[364]="Give a man 2.54 centimetres and he'll take 1.6 Kilometres"
arqu[365]="A new moon on a Wednesday is very unlucky"
arqu[366]="a coin in a new purse or wallet will bring good luck"
arqu[367]="I need 10 hours sleep a day.<br>And 8 hours at night"
arqu[368]="You Can't have everything, Where would you put it?"
arqu[369]="to find a coin means more wealth will come"
arqu[370]="To make a chocolate biscuit last longer, post it to yourself at the wrong address"
arqu[371]="In films, at least one of a pair of Identical twins is evil"
arqu[372]="Did you know, you can't say the words 'gig Whip' 6 times quickly in succession. Try it"
arqu[373]="Don't wear emeralds on a Tuesday"
arqu[374]="If a joke is required, make it a bad one"
arqu[375]="The difference between the TV and a newspaper is the ability to swot a fly with the newspaper"
arqu[376]="Expect the worst<br>If someone remembers to come to your birthday party, they will almost certainly eat your present on the way, or break it"
arqu[377]="'Hello Piglet, This is tigger.'<br>'Oh is it' said Piglet, 'I thought Tiggers were smaller than that'<br>'Not the big ones' said Tigger "
arqu[378]="At Christmas, open your door to let evil out"
arqu[379]="I'm sorry you haven’t had a reply to your complaint, but we find it far more efficient to recycle them through the waste bin before we open them"
arqu[380]="It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others"
arqu[381]="Monday is a bad day. Cain murdered Abel, Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed and Judas was born - all on a Monday"
arqu[382]="September, the 7th month in the Roman calendar, was considered lucky"
arqu[383]="Sunday is considered a lucky day"
arqu[384]="Never leave hospital on a Saturday, its unlucky"
arqu[385]="Wear new clothes on a Friday for luck"
arqu[386]="Only the hour before dawn will bring any luck on a Thursday, the rest of it is unlucky. A day to hibernate"
arqu[387]="A new moon on a Wednesday is very unlucky"
arqu[388]="Avoid embarrassing your childs peers by banning them from coming over to your place"
arqu[389]="I've now used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead instead"
arqu[390]="In days of old, when Knights were bold and toilet roll wasn't invented, They'd wipe their ass on a blade of grass and walk away contented"
arqu[391]="Higher up the mountain, greener grows the grass,<br>when along came a nanny goat sliding on its...<br> Now don't be mistaken, and don't be misled, along came a nanny goat sliding on its head"
arqu[392]="I don't flirt with everybody, mind you, I haven't met everybody yet"
arqu[393]="bad guys can't shoot straight, good guys can"
arqu[394]="I was watching breakfast television and lost the will to live"
arqu[395]="No matter how bad things seam to be, it can't be worse than being used as a towel rail"
arqu[396]="A stopped clock is right twice per day"
arqu[397]="Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups"
arqu[398]="I am not spreading gossip, but I know someone who is..."
arqu[399]="If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague"
arqu[400]="If it isn't broke, fix it till it is"
arqu[401]="Suffer fools gladly, they may be right."
arqu[402]="Remember, you are unique just like everyone else"
arqu[403]="Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth. Deal with it"
arqu[404]="How to sculpt an elephant: Get a lump of rock and chip away anything that doesn't look like an elephant" 
arqu[405]="Save the whales, collect the whole set"
arqu[406]="If you are attacked by a bear:- Pretend to be a fish, and the bear will think you are a fish. It will then bash your head against a rock, and this will mean you don't feel anything as it rips your arms off"
arqu[407]="The only difference between a rut and the grave is the depth"
arqu[408]="Gargle every day to see if your throat leaks"
arqu[409]="Find Humour every day... Find someone to laugh at"
arqu[410]="Mary had a little cow, she fed it safety pins, now every time she milks the cow, the milk comes out in tins"
arqu[411]="Mary had a little lamb, she also had a bear. I've often seen her little lamb, but never seen her bear..."
arqu[412]="The face of a child can say it all, particularly the mouth part"
arqu[413]="I thought I wanted the job, but it turns out I just wanted the money"
arqu[414]="Its always something, there's always something going wrong"
arqu[415]="Spit on a child to protect them from harm"
arqu[416]="It is traditional the Barbeques are accompanied by rain"
arqu[417]="Life is a lemon and I want my money back"
arqu[418]="It's all or nothing, and nothings all I ever get"
arqu[419]="What lies in a pram and wobbles?<br>A Jelly Baby"
arqu[420]="Plumbers work in the garden mending the leaks"
arqu[421]="A man walked into a bar<BR>It was an iron bar and he hurt himself"
arqu[422]="What’s the difference between a gnu and a bison?<br>You can wash your face in a Basin"
arqu[423]="July was believed to be the years most unhealthy month"
arqu[424]="Whether the weather be hot, or whether the weather be not.<br>We'll weather the weather, whatever the weather, whether we like it or not"
arqu[425]="You have reached the last page of the internet. Thank you for visiting"
arqu[426]="Seen on the back of a lorry: Well Driven? please report as Stolen"
arqu[427]="Excused from School: My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him." 
arqu[428]="Excused from School: Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot." 
arqu[429]="Excused from School: Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33." 
arqu[430]="Excused from School: Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating." 
arqu[431]="Excused from School: Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip." 
arqu[432]="Excused from School: John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face." 
arqu[433]="Excused from School: Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part." 
arqu[434]="Excused from School: Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins." 
arqu[435]="Excused from School: Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side." 
arqu[436]="Excused from School: Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels." 
arqu[437]="Excused from School: Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak." 
arqu[438]="Excused from School: Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust." 
arqu[438]="Excused from School: Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault." 
arqu[440]="Excused from School: Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday." 
arqu[441]="Excused from School: Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral." 
arqu[442]="Excused from School: My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines." 
arqu[443]="Excused from School: Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well." 
arqu[444]="Excused from School: Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps." 
arqu[445]="Excused from School: Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover." 
arqu[446]="Excused from School: Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor."


arqu[999]="Here are a load"


thingy = arqu[number]
return thingy
}